July 22, 2004
committed
I wonder about a future for my relationship with Hans.
See, he brings up marriage, and children, and "after college, we..." Stuff like that, assuming this is that sort of long-term life-long thing. He can see himself spending his life with me. The first time I was visiting him, we were laying on the bed together and he looked at me and said "You know, I want to marry you. I've never felt that before, but I do."
I didn't quite know what to say. I forget what I did say. I think I may have simply kissed him instead.
Because it's not that I don't love him. I do, in a very honest way, not the warm-fuzzy way. He's my friend and my lover in the fullest sense of the words, and I can't foresee that changing anytime soon.
But... well. Never changing at all? Marriage? Children and mortgages aside, I honestly don't know if I could marry him. And maybe this is shallow or stupid of me, but it's because he's a him.
One thing I read while I was still adjusting to the idea of lesbian me being involved with a very male partner was a post on the Ship of Fools, during a discussion about sexual flexibility. Post is here if you want to read it in full, but it's basically a Christian lesbian talking about being randomly attracted to a man. And it didn't substantially upset her view of herself or her sexuality, and I took from that that I didn't have to let it upset mine.
Lately it's been this post which has gotten more of my attention. Sure, her husband could fall in love with her, but the marriage didn't work because at the end of the day he was still a gay man.
Then there was this comment (way down at the bottom) on a post on Ex-Gay Watch...
...Or in my gay woman/het man marriage: It is horrible; we are both miserable ALL of the time. Certainly we care for each other, but I can't give him what he needs (physically or spiritually) and he certainly can't give me what I need. We are friends, period, and we agonize constantly, knowing that our situation is the result of a terrible mistake and wilting under our belief that divorce -- not homosexuality -- is sin. Spousal Unit said to me a while back that I ought to be married to a woman. I replied, "You're right."
I never want to have to go through that. And I don't want to ever put him through that. The possibility of breaking his heart like that scares me to the bone.
I have to wonder if, as solid as the love and attraction seems now (and believe you me, I'm definitely attracted to him), if it's sustainable in the long run, and what it would mean if I decided it wasn't.
Or what if I was wrong, and I turned him down and regretted it for the rest of my life, passing up a good thing because of my own doubt? I can already see myself pulling back out of uncertainty, not really giving my all to this, and that's not what I want.
On the one hand I want to throw everything I have into this, see it through, and on the other hand I don't know if I should, or can.
It all boils down to 'I don't know.' I wish I did.
See, he brings up marriage, and children, and "after college, we..." Stuff like that, assuming this is that sort of long-term life-long thing. He can see himself spending his life with me. The first time I was visiting him, we were laying on the bed together and he looked at me and said "You know, I want to marry you. I've never felt that before, but I do."
I didn't quite know what to say. I forget what I did say. I think I may have simply kissed him instead.
Because it's not that I don't love him. I do, in a very honest way, not the warm-fuzzy way. He's my friend and my lover in the fullest sense of the words, and I can't foresee that changing anytime soon.
But... well. Never changing at all? Marriage? Children and mortgages aside, I honestly don't know if I could marry him. And maybe this is shallow or stupid of me, but it's because he's a him.
One thing I read while I was still adjusting to the idea of lesbian me being involved with a very male partner was a post on the Ship of Fools, during a discussion about sexual flexibility. Post is here if you want to read it in full, but it's basically a Christian lesbian talking about being randomly attracted to a man. And it didn't substantially upset her view of herself or her sexuality, and I took from that that I didn't have to let it upset mine.
Lately it's been this post which has gotten more of my attention. Sure, her husband could fall in love with her, but the marriage didn't work because at the end of the day he was still a gay man.
Then there was this comment (way down at the bottom) on a post on Ex-Gay Watch...
...Or in my gay woman/het man marriage: It is horrible; we are both miserable ALL of the time. Certainly we care for each other, but I can't give him what he needs (physically or spiritually) and he certainly can't give me what I need. We are friends, period, and we agonize constantly, knowing that our situation is the result of a terrible mistake and wilting under our belief that divorce -- not homosexuality -- is sin. Spousal Unit said to me a while back that I ought to be married to a woman. I replied, "You're right."
I never want to have to go through that. And I don't want to ever put him through that. The possibility of breaking his heart like that scares me to the bone.
I have to wonder if, as solid as the love and attraction seems now (and believe you me, I'm definitely attracted to him), if it's sustainable in the long run, and what it would mean if I decided it wasn't.
Or what if I was wrong, and I turned him down and regretted it for the rest of my life, passing up a good thing because of my own doubt? I can already see myself pulling back out of uncertainty, not really giving my all to this, and that's not what I want.
On the one hand I want to throw everything I have into this, see it through, and on the other hand I don't know if I should, or can.
It all boils down to 'I don't know.' I wish I did.
# posted by Liadan @ 1:18 PM 
