Resipiscence

So. I randomly-- and I do mean fairly randomly-- left two weeks ago for a week-long visit with Hans. In case anyone wondered where I was, not being online or answering email (I had something like seventy-five emails when I got back, all but maybe seven or eight of which were spam, which means that approximately nine-tenths of my email is spam nowadays).

See, the homesick/sick-of-home thing was catching up to me. I seriously thought I was going to go nuts if I had to find excuses to stay out of the house or in my room all the time for one more day. And my job search, seven applications and maybe one maybe prospects later, wasn't looking too friendly. I got a lot of "We're not hiring," Subway never picked up, and Borders told me they'd "keep my name in mind."

Meanwhile Hans'd been telling me I needed to visit him from practically the day I got back from college, because no one was willing to give him headscratches. Plus, his mom had read my color theory comic, which actually moved her to tears, and prompted her to tell me that I was more than welcome to visit for any amount of time at any time.

And I swear I was only going to stay for a week, but I kinda sorta fell in love again and neither Hans nor his mom wanted me to leave yet.

The Liadan-savvy among us will recall my first, lamented breakup with My Favorite Lesbian in a Man's Body back in the first days after Christmas break. The third day, to be exact. We recall that this had much to do with Hans's lingering attachment to his ex-girlfriend and my probably unrealistic deluge of premature warm-fuzzies.

After said breakup I was all weepy and bitchy for a while but eventually got over it, and we continued on our merry way being very good friends who watched lots of weird movies together. I went to his home during spring break and met said ex, who... um... didn't really strike me as a particularly self-aware individual, but I could see where Hans would keep on being attached. (In other words, she was a DD-cup.)

After spring break came spring quarter, which could kindly be called the Quarter from Hell. Not only was it a week shorter due to a political summit in the city, both of us were taking two labor-intensive foundations courses, Color Theory and Lifedrawing. We both had the same LD class but Hans' CT teacher was, to hear him and Frank speak of her and to see their projects, spawned from the bowels of Hell. It was a very stressful quarter and we got to depending on each other for general sanity purposes. Still just friends, until about halfway through the quarter.

At which point it evolved into something more like "friends plus." We both knew there was a maddening amount of sexual tension still existing between us two. And we'd gotten pretty close just as friends. So we ended up with a sort of casual relationship predicated on the mutual concession that we were only there until something better came along. I had a couple of crushes I was quietly nursing and he was halfheartedly pursuing a sophomore. Neither of us expected it to last any longer than the end of the year. It wasn't any of the light-and-fluttery stuff from the last time, it was more like a natural addition, as weird as that sounds. I was a little uneasy about it for a while until it was clear I wasn't going to fall back into the same "flowers and butterflies" thought pattern.

Well. That worked out fine for about four weeks, then, until the end of the quarter. We did our projects together, keeping each other on track and reminding the other that maybe it was a good idea to have at least one meal a day and more than three hours of sleep a night. And we shared a bed. (Not that we were-- or are-- having sex. Physically involved, yes, but we've got limits here. Really.) I got pretty used to falling asleep with my arm flung around his waist or his chest against my back. It's a comfort thing, too.

Somewhere after the end of school, before I came to visit but after I'd told him that I couldn't take much more of Terabil, I told him half by accident on the phone that I was afraid I had fallen back in love with him again. I wasn't sure if I just really missed my good friend and his company and conversation, or if I missed him in a deeper way.

So I got there, and I think we both found out that the something better we'd both been waiting to come along was more or less already there. Emotional component? Check, given our friendship. Previous reasons for incompatibility no longer an issue? Check, given Hans' increasing frustration and impatience with ex's flaws. Physical component? Check, and we'll leave it at that. Mutual willingness to see it through in the long run? I think we've got it.

Any earth-shattering revelations about my sexuality? Not much, other than reinforcing my conclusions about my "homoflexibility" and my attraction to femininity in general (and I shall say, the too-much-information filter be damned, that Hans has quite an attractively girlish butt). Parental approval? Hans' mom thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread, and she's a really cool lady herself. I don't plan on telling my own maternal unit because I don't feel like including her in a love life which she has shown little approval of so far. Misgivings? A couple. I'm still squicky about being away from him now, since I miss him more than ever. I'm worried that we're going to make our poor friend Frank's head explode.

I'm not worried about his ex, frankly. She came by to visit a couple of times while I was there. The first time Hans noticed that I was uneasy and made a point to tell me that I didn't have to be. The second time he made a point to tell her that. Not that she liked it; she doesn't like that Hans won't run and fetch for her now.

And hey, I'd be jealous of me too. I have a passionate, devoted, sexy girly-boy who is warm and squishy, who worries about whether he'll be a good father one day, who accidentally says he wants to marry me, who is discovering the joys of Tombow brushpens, and who wears some of my clothes better than I do.

Labels: friends, love/sex, Teh Gay