December 25, 2003
time to catch the train
So Christmas is over. It feels like it was never here, honestly. I think I missed it this year. It kind of sailed over my head.
I'm trying to write without knowing what I want to say. I just feel... restless, like I don't know quite what to do with myself. I've already finished reading two books today, and I'm worn out on reading. I have some aimless feeling that I'd like to draw, but I don't know what to work on. If things were normal like they used to be, I'd call up Sorcha and see if she wanted to do anything, even just sit around her house and watch a movie, but since my mom has targeted most of her motherly homophobic wrath upon her I can't do that. If I was in Avalon I'd go wandering down Main Street or down to the fourth floor, but Avalon is days away and all I can do is wait, like I've been doing ever since I got back to Terabil.
I feel reckless, somehow. I want to run away, risk something. I have this feeling of being trapped in my house. Whenever I find a reason to leave the house, I stay out as long as I can. I've gotten into the habit of taking the long way home again, and I wish there was an even longer route to take, just for a few more minutes of feeling cut free and flying. I want to go walking in the scrubby little excuse for a patch of woods near my house, because when I'm there the trees and leaves block out the sounds and movement of the outside world and I can pretend for a while it's not really there. I want a third place, a coffeeshop or a bookstore or somewhere I can go to be away from here.
I think I've written about this before. Twice. Maybe three times.
It gets to where this web of civility and deception between my mother and I is too much. I weigh my careful pleasantries to make sure there's nothing in them that might send her off onto her tangents. I always try to steer the conversation away from things like politics or religion or marriage, because they're all too intertwined with this barrier between us. When we went to see the Christmas lights a couple of nights ago, Aelgifu, trying to make small talk, babbled on cheerfully about how I would marry a sailor for a husband. My mom chimed in with that desperately hopeful edge to her voice to talk about the six or seven children I would be a happy mother to. And all I could do was sit there in silence.
I can't even tell my own mother I'm in love because I know she'll take it exactly the wrong way, as the answer to her prayers, and I resent the thought that my life and loves are subject to her approval before they're truly holy. If she answers the phone and hands it to me with a big grin, saying it's Hans, I can't smile back. She really doesn't get it.
That's always bothered me about my mom's reaction to my being gay. She'll go off on these long tirades about how wrong and disgusting it is, and why don't I want to change? The truth is I don't want to change because I can't even imagine the possibility, much less the necessity. I don't see why I would want to extinguish the beauty and harmony I see in other women. It's a deep and sacred joy to me. The world would be a cold and colorless place without that in it for me.
I think I'll go draw now.
I'm trying to write without knowing what I want to say. I just feel... restless, like I don't know quite what to do with myself. I've already finished reading two books today, and I'm worn out on reading. I have some aimless feeling that I'd like to draw, but I don't know what to work on. If things were normal like they used to be, I'd call up Sorcha and see if she wanted to do anything, even just sit around her house and watch a movie, but since my mom has targeted most of her motherly homophobic wrath upon her I can't do that. If I was in Avalon I'd go wandering down Main Street or down to the fourth floor, but Avalon is days away and all I can do is wait, like I've been doing ever since I got back to Terabil.
I feel reckless, somehow. I want to run away, risk something. I have this feeling of being trapped in my house. Whenever I find a reason to leave the house, I stay out as long as I can. I've gotten into the habit of taking the long way home again, and I wish there was an even longer route to take, just for a few more minutes of feeling cut free and flying. I want to go walking in the scrubby little excuse for a patch of woods near my house, because when I'm there the trees and leaves block out the sounds and movement of the outside world and I can pretend for a while it's not really there. I want a third place, a coffeeshop or a bookstore or somewhere I can go to be away from here.
I think I've written about this before. Twice. Maybe three times.
It gets to where this web of civility and deception between my mother and I is too much. I weigh my careful pleasantries to make sure there's nothing in them that might send her off onto her tangents. I always try to steer the conversation away from things like politics or religion or marriage, because they're all too intertwined with this barrier between us. When we went to see the Christmas lights a couple of nights ago, Aelgifu, trying to make small talk, babbled on cheerfully about how I would marry a sailor for a husband. My mom chimed in with that desperately hopeful edge to her voice to talk about the six or seven children I would be a happy mother to. And all I could do was sit there in silence.
I can't even tell my own mother I'm in love because I know she'll take it exactly the wrong way, as the answer to her prayers, and I resent the thought that my life and loves are subject to her approval before they're truly holy. If she answers the phone and hands it to me with a big grin, saying it's Hans, I can't smile back. She really doesn't get it.
That's always bothered me about my mom's reaction to my being gay. She'll go off on these long tirades about how wrong and disgusting it is, and why don't I want to change? The truth is I don't want to change because I can't even imagine the possibility, much less the necessity. I don't see why I would want to extinguish the beauty and harmony I see in other women. It's a deep and sacred joy to me. The world would be a cold and colorless place without that in it for me.
I think I'll go draw now.
Labels: depression, family
# posted by Liadan @ 10:37 PM 
