December 02, 2003
it's not bothering me
Last night was a bit more complicated than my nights usually are. I mean, usually it's a fairly predictable few hours spent surfing the internet, and then I go to sleep. Nope, last night, Hans called. And my mom answered the phone.
Dammit.
Now she is all happy that I talk on the phone to boys. After all, as she said this morning in response to my avowal that Hans is my friend, "Daddy was my friend first too! This is the answer to my prayers!" (Yes, this is a direct quote.)
The answer to her prayers? Forget praying for her daughter's general happiness and sanity at school, she's been praying that I'll suddenly realize, after two years, that I really don't like girls after all? And Dad was her friend first too-- what the bloody HELL? Am I supposed to be MARRYING Hans now? ARGH.
And to save myself some time and hair-pulling searches for words, I'm just going to cut-and-paste the conversation I had with Sorcha last night.
Liadan: got to talk to Hans on the phone!
Sorcha: oooh!
Liadan: my mom looked disturbingly happy...
Sorcha: ya know, that could be good
Liadan: and it could be reeeeeally bad.
Sorcha: yah, that too
Liadan: i mean disturbingly happy. i mean happy as in grinning like a fool and giving me the thumbs-up when she learned that there was someone with a penis on the other end of the phone.
Sorcha: yah, I kinda figured. I was just thinking she might get off your back a little
Liadan: uh, no, now she's going to be asking after him and whether he likes me or not, and i'll have to say yes, but i'm not interested, and *that* will piss her off.
Sorcha: no you won't
Liadan: well, either that or lie, basically. 'cause that's what it boils down to, really
Sorcha: does he still like you?
Liadan: yeah
Sorcha: well in that case you've got more to worry about than your mother, i'd say
Liadan: well... it gets more complicated than that, really, but that's another story.
Sorcha: oh indeed?
Liadan: indeed.
Liadan: so we've established that Hans has a thing for me, right?
Sorcha: mmhmm
Liadan: ok. right. well. um. i kinda sorta think i return it.
Liadan: but wait, there's more! as there usually is.
Sorcha: ok, go on
Liadan: um. i think it's at least in part because he reminds me so much of, well, you.
Liadan: *folds hands* so. yep. that's about it, really.
Sorcha: hmm. well, I'm kinda flattered, honestly.
Liadan: ok. so you see how this would be extremely confusing, especially given my current family situation, etc.
Sorcha: yah, no kidding. I kinda wish I could offer something Deep And Insightful or something, but, um...I got nothin
Liadan: neither do i. damn. oh well.
Liadan: i'm not sure Hans has really put two and two together, given that i did tell him our relationship reminded me of the one i had with you but didn't really elaborate that much.
Liadan: not that it changes anything, really.
Sorcha: changes anything how?
Liadan: in the end, i don't think i can offer him any more than friendship. and he knows that much.
Sorcha: why, exactly?
Liadan: *sigh* ok, lemme see if i can put this into words...
Liadan: a) i know my primary attraction is to women, and as such, i don't believe any romantic relationship with any guy is going to be a whole one. so i'm not entirely sure i see the point in pursuing one.
Liadan: b) Hans *is* my friend, and i care for him deeply on that level, and as such i don't want to break his heart, so to speak, by trying and failing at a r'ship.
Liadan: c) i don't want to date anyone just as a substitute for you.
Liadan: d) minor consideration, the last thing i need is to give my mom false hope.
Sorcha: all of which are good reasons
Liadan: i think so too
Sorcha: um, sort of back-tracking, what is this "of the one i had with you", emphasis mine obviously, that you typed earlier? as in, is there a reason for the past tense?
Liadan: specifically, it refers to the rather tormented crush period.
Sorcha: ah, ok. 'cause I was like "aaaahwhoah" for a second there
Liadan: no no no, we're still a "we"
Sorcha: ok
Liadan: you don't get rid of me that easily, missy :)
So... that about sums it up. I'm a lesbian with a crush on her guy friend, who has a crush on her, because he reminds her of her female best friend, whom her mother, who is praying for her conversion to heterosexuality, originally blames for "turning her gay."
You gotta love that Holy Mallet of Irony sometimes.
Dammit.
Now she is all happy that I talk on the phone to boys. After all, as she said this morning in response to my avowal that Hans is my friend, "Daddy was my friend first too! This is the answer to my prayers!" (Yes, this is a direct quote.)
The answer to her prayers? Forget praying for her daughter's general happiness and sanity at school, she's been praying that I'll suddenly realize, after two years, that I really don't like girls after all? And Dad was her friend first too-- what the bloody HELL? Am I supposed to be MARRYING Hans now? ARGH.
And to save myself some time and hair-pulling searches for words, I'm just going to cut-and-paste the conversation I had with Sorcha last night.
Liadan: got to talk to Hans on the phone!
Sorcha: oooh!
Liadan: my mom looked disturbingly happy...
Sorcha: ya know, that could be good
Liadan: and it could be reeeeeally bad.
Sorcha: yah, that too
Liadan: i mean disturbingly happy. i mean happy as in grinning like a fool and giving me the thumbs-up when she learned that there was someone with a penis on the other end of the phone.
Sorcha: yah, I kinda figured. I was just thinking she might get off your back a little
Liadan: uh, no, now she's going to be asking after him and whether he likes me or not, and i'll have to say yes, but i'm not interested, and *that* will piss her off.
Sorcha: no you won't
Liadan: well, either that or lie, basically. 'cause that's what it boils down to, really
Sorcha: does he still like you?
Liadan: yeah
Sorcha: well in that case you've got more to worry about than your mother, i'd say
Liadan: well... it gets more complicated than that, really, but that's another story.
Sorcha: oh indeed?
Liadan: indeed.
Liadan: so we've established that Hans has a thing for me, right?
Sorcha: mmhmm
Liadan: ok. right. well. um. i kinda sorta think i return it.
Liadan: but wait, there's more! as there usually is.
Sorcha: ok, go on
Liadan: um. i think it's at least in part because he reminds me so much of, well, you.
Liadan: *folds hands* so. yep. that's about it, really.
Sorcha: hmm. well, I'm kinda flattered, honestly.
Liadan: ok. so you see how this would be extremely confusing, especially given my current family situation, etc.
Sorcha: yah, no kidding. I kinda wish I could offer something Deep And Insightful or something, but, um...I got nothin
Liadan: neither do i. damn. oh well.
Liadan: i'm not sure Hans has really put two and two together, given that i did tell him our relationship reminded me of the one i had with you but didn't really elaborate that much.
Liadan: not that it changes anything, really.
Sorcha: changes anything how?
Liadan: in the end, i don't think i can offer him any more than friendship. and he knows that much.
Sorcha: why, exactly?
Liadan: *sigh* ok, lemme see if i can put this into words...
Liadan: a) i know my primary attraction is to women, and as such, i don't believe any romantic relationship with any guy is going to be a whole one. so i'm not entirely sure i see the point in pursuing one.
Liadan: b) Hans *is* my friend, and i care for him deeply on that level, and as such i don't want to break his heart, so to speak, by trying and failing at a r'ship.
Liadan: c) i don't want to date anyone just as a substitute for you.
Liadan: d) minor consideration, the last thing i need is to give my mom false hope.
Sorcha: all of which are good reasons
Liadan: i think so too
Sorcha: um, sort of back-tracking, what is this "of the one i had with you", emphasis mine obviously, that you typed earlier? as in, is there a reason for the past tense?
Liadan: specifically, it refers to the rather tormented crush period.
Sorcha: ah, ok. 'cause I was like "aaaahwhoah" for a second there
Liadan: no no no, we're still a "we"
Sorcha: ok
Liadan: you don't get rid of me that easily, missy :)
So... that about sums it up. I'm a lesbian with a crush on her guy friend, who has a crush on her, because he reminds her of her female best friend, whom her mother, who is praying for her conversion to heterosexuality, originally blames for "turning her gay."
You gotta love that Holy Mallet of Irony sometimes.
Labels: family, friends, Teh Gay
# posted by Liadan @ 11:16 PM 
