July 20, 2003
the plot thickens
Well, since the Great Coming-Out... which I really need a catchier name for... things have been relatively peaceful around here. This is probably because the subject is rarely brought up anymore, not directly, anyway.
Apparently, I agreed (I don't know why) to "keep an open mind" about being gay, and my mom apparently interprets this to mean I agreed to not really being gay at all.
Um.
Well, I can "keep an open mind" about my sexuality until my brain falls out of my head, but that's not going to go a very long way towards the fact that I like girls and don't like boys.
Er. Should I explain how I came to that last conclusion?
We all know that I'd been calling myself "bisexual" for about a year or so. I will say that I have been infatuated with boys before. However, the more I thought about it, the more I noticed that the boys in question had always been, if not androgynous, then outright feminine. I only liked boys who were an awful lot like girls. Even then, I was prone to absently thinking things like "You know, his face is kinda cute, but he would be so much more attractive if only he had more in the chest area... and you know, something in the way of hips..."And I wondered why my friends looked at me funny and said "Well, I'm not seeing it, but if you like him..." whenever I admitted a crush. I didn't just have abominable taste in boys, I had none at all.
Besides the purely physical factors, whenever my mom (or anyone else) would mention someone and make comments like "he's cute, why don't you ask him out?" my knee-jerk reaction was "... eh." Yeah, he's not repulsive... sure, he's a nice person, has a sense of humor and a brain... I guess I wouldn't exactly keel over and die if I had to date him. But the thought of a relationship with a guy-- any guy, when I thought about it-- just wasn't very appealing. And these were nice, funny, perfectly friendly guys that I would have been more than willing to pal around with. It wasn't that I didn't like them, I just didn't... like them. I might as well have been advised to date my shoe for all the excitement the thought generated.
Incidentally, a flip through my sketchbook will reveal that I can't draw boys. On the odd occasions I attempt to, they come out looking like tomboy girls. 'Course this could just be because I am a girl, but who knows.
So, for the past couple of months or so, I've been identifying as just plain gay more and more strongly. It actually feels more... comfortable?... than bi ever did. Paradoxically, "bisexual" always felt restrictive, as if it mandated that I had to be attracted to both sexes.
That explains that. Back to the "open mind" dilemma.
I really haven't "discussed" the matter with my dad as much as I have with my mom. My dad works, for one thing, and when he's not at work he's in his office, so I simply don't see as much of him as I do of my stay-at-home mom. That, and both of us just aren't the talkative type. When we do talk, it's usually either opinionated debating or just making fun of each other. His view on the matter anyway, if I recall correctly, was that he didn't care as much about my sexuality per se as my mental health as a whole.
My mom, I think, is taking this harder on the whole. I guess it has to do with the fact that she's my female parent, so maybe she feels she "failed" as a proper womanly role model or some such b.s. as that. That first day she kept asking "Aren't you proud that God made you a woman? Do you want to be a boy? Is this why you always wear such masculine clothes? "
Well first off, HELL YES I'm glad I'm a woman, let's make no mistake about that. If ever I had any doubts about my gender identity, watching my brothers make high art out of bodily function noises took care of them. No penis envy on my part, thanks very much; I don't think peeing standing up is so great a privilege that I would give up my feminine intuition and the right to wear nail polish to have it.
The "masculine clothes" charge comes from my vocal hatred of the color pink and all things frilly. I don't hate them because they're "feminine;" I've always been irritated that the sum total of femininity was reduced to just those things. I dislike most stereotypically girly things because they're uncomfortable. It's not my fault that the women's fashion industry operates on the "suffer for beauty" principle.
So my mom will say something like "Well, you said you would keep an open mind, right? You'll tell your friends that you told that you're making a fresh start? You might not really be... you know... you'll give it time?"
"Well," says I, mentally booting my week-past trying-to-calm-parents self in the head, now that I realize I never should have said anything even remotely resembling that, "I'll admit the possibility, but I'm not exactly admitting the probability."
That usually just gets the disappointed look, as if she thinks she can shame me into heterosexuality.
That, and "You know, you really don't have to tell anyone. This can just be our little secret, right?"
Our little secret. Since the closet has been so much freaking fun so far. Woohoo! I get to lie and evade and change the subject whenever it approaches anything involving my putative heterosexuality even more!
Technically, I'm supposed to tell my friends (the ones that already know, that is, I have yet to get a green light to tell anyone else) that I've agreed to "start over fresh" and "reconsider" this whole "gay" thing. ... I've really been telling my friends-in-the-know something more like "I'm supposed to tell you that I'm starting over fresh and I'm reconsidering the labels, keeping an open mind and all. Yep."
I've been discouraged, none too subtly, from even informing my own brother of why the whole older half of the family spent an entire day in tears. It's even been insinuated that I shouldn't tell them I'm on Zoloft now. My joking reference to "taking my happy pills" today at breakfast was passed off as "She's just saying that she's taken her vitamins today." I mean, the Flintstones chewables make me happy too, but come on. Ignatius isn't stupid, not by a long shot, and even the two little ones are going to catch on after a while.
Argh. How do I get my mom to face facts without triggering another meltdown on her part?
Apparently, I agreed (I don't know why) to "keep an open mind" about being gay, and my mom apparently interprets this to mean I agreed to not really being gay at all.
Um.
Well, I can "keep an open mind" about my sexuality until my brain falls out of my head, but that's not going to go a very long way towards the fact that I like girls and don't like boys.
Er. Should I explain how I came to that last conclusion?
We all know that I'd been calling myself "bisexual" for about a year or so. I will say that I have been infatuated with boys before. However, the more I thought about it, the more I noticed that the boys in question had always been, if not androgynous, then outright feminine. I only liked boys who were an awful lot like girls. Even then, I was prone to absently thinking things like "You know, his face is kinda cute, but he would be so much more attractive if only he had more in the chest area... and you know, something in the way of hips..."And I wondered why my friends looked at me funny and said "Well, I'm not seeing it, but if you like him..." whenever I admitted a crush. I didn't just have abominable taste in boys, I had none at all.
Besides the purely physical factors, whenever my mom (or anyone else) would mention someone and make comments like "he's cute, why don't you ask him out?" my knee-jerk reaction was "... eh." Yeah, he's not repulsive... sure, he's a nice person, has a sense of humor and a brain... I guess I wouldn't exactly keel over and die if I had to date him. But the thought of a relationship with a guy-- any guy, when I thought about it-- just wasn't very appealing. And these were nice, funny, perfectly friendly guys that I would have been more than willing to pal around with. It wasn't that I didn't like them, I just didn't... like them. I might as well have been advised to date my shoe for all the excitement the thought generated.
Incidentally, a flip through my sketchbook will reveal that I can't draw boys. On the odd occasions I attempt to, they come out looking like tomboy girls. 'Course this could just be because I am a girl, but who knows.
So, for the past couple of months or so, I've been identifying as just plain gay more and more strongly. It actually feels more... comfortable?... than bi ever did. Paradoxically, "bisexual" always felt restrictive, as if it mandated that I had to be attracted to both sexes.
That explains that. Back to the "open mind" dilemma.
I really haven't "discussed" the matter with my dad as much as I have with my mom. My dad works, for one thing, and when he's not at work he's in his office, so I simply don't see as much of him as I do of my stay-at-home mom. That, and both of us just aren't the talkative type. When we do talk, it's usually either opinionated debating or just making fun of each other. His view on the matter anyway, if I recall correctly, was that he didn't care as much about my sexuality per se as my mental health as a whole.
My mom, I think, is taking this harder on the whole. I guess it has to do with the fact that she's my female parent, so maybe she feels she "failed" as a proper womanly role model or some such b.s. as that. That first day she kept asking "Aren't you proud that God made you a woman? Do you want to be a boy? Is this why you always wear such masculine clothes? "
Well first off, HELL YES I'm glad I'm a woman, let's make no mistake about that. If ever I had any doubts about my gender identity, watching my brothers make high art out of bodily function noises took care of them. No penis envy on my part, thanks very much; I don't think peeing standing up is so great a privilege that I would give up my feminine intuition and the right to wear nail polish to have it.
The "masculine clothes" charge comes from my vocal hatred of the color pink and all things frilly. I don't hate them because they're "feminine;" I've always been irritated that the sum total of femininity was reduced to just those things. I dislike most stereotypically girly things because they're uncomfortable. It's not my fault that the women's fashion industry operates on the "suffer for beauty" principle.
So my mom will say something like "Well, you said you would keep an open mind, right? You'll tell your friends that you told that you're making a fresh start? You might not really be... you know... you'll give it time?"
"Well," says I, mentally booting my week-past trying-to-calm-parents self in the head, now that I realize I never should have said anything even remotely resembling that, "I'll admit the possibility, but I'm not exactly admitting the probability."
That usually just gets the disappointed look, as if she thinks she can shame me into heterosexuality.
That, and "You know, you really don't have to tell anyone. This can just be our little secret, right?"
Our little secret. Since the closet has been so much freaking fun so far. Woohoo! I get to lie and evade and change the subject whenever it approaches anything involving my putative heterosexuality even more!
Technically, I'm supposed to tell my friends (the ones that already know, that is, I have yet to get a green light to tell anyone else) that I've agreed to "start over fresh" and "reconsider" this whole "gay" thing. ... I've really been telling my friends-in-the-know something more like "I'm supposed to tell you that I'm starting over fresh and I'm reconsidering the labels, keeping an open mind and all. Yep."
I've been discouraged, none too subtly, from even informing my own brother of why the whole older half of the family spent an entire day in tears. It's even been insinuated that I shouldn't tell them I'm on Zoloft now. My joking reference to "taking my happy pills" today at breakfast was passed off as "She's just saying that she's taken her vitamins today." I mean, the Flintstones chewables make me happy too, but come on. Ignatius isn't stupid, not by a long shot, and even the two little ones are going to catch on after a while.
Argh. How do I get my mom to face facts without triggering another meltdown on her part?
# posted by Liadan @ 4:47 PM 
