June 08, 2003
running for it
A couple of days ago, I was driving home from somewhere. It was late evening, my favorite time of day, when there's still some light seeping over the horizon and some warmth left from the day's heat. I had the windows down and the stereo up. It's something about the mixture of wind and music and the deep blues and purples and grays of the landscape.
Maybe it was the time of day, maybe it was the thought of home, but it wasn't so much wanting to drive forever this time as it was wanting to run away. To just pass by the entrance to the neighborhood I live in and keep going, as far away as I could. Something in me didn't want to tamely pull into the driveway and shuffle up to my room, ever again. I wanted to leave everything and all it represents behind me and just go far away, off into the unknown.
So I compromised by taking the long way home. A small rebellion.
This is the only summer I remember that I've wanted it to be over ever since it started. I feel like curling up in the corner of my room and hibernating until it's time to leave for college. I don't have a job, which I'm fully aware is my own fault, otherwise I might not be so incredibly bored and restless. I sleep most of the day away, a fact which my mother never stops twitting at me about.
Actually my mother has not stopped twitting at me for more than three seconds since summer started, which I'm sure contributes to the whole 'want-to-leave-RIGHT-NOW' feeling. First it was my lack of a job, then it was my room, then it was thank-you notes, then it was my room again, then it was the painting I did for my grandparents' anniversary, and now it's my room and more thank-you notes. That, plus a record three-dinner streak of making oblivious homophobic comments, is definitely not contributing to a mother-daughter bond.
I'm just at the point where I hate everything and everyone around me and I want to go somewhere where everyone will just leave me the hell alone, and where nothing reminds me of where I used to be.
Maybe it was the time of day, maybe it was the thought of home, but it wasn't so much wanting to drive forever this time as it was wanting to run away. To just pass by the entrance to the neighborhood I live in and keep going, as far away as I could. Something in me didn't want to tamely pull into the driveway and shuffle up to my room, ever again. I wanted to leave everything and all it represents behind me and just go far away, off into the unknown.
So I compromised by taking the long way home. A small rebellion.
This is the only summer I remember that I've wanted it to be over ever since it started. I feel like curling up in the corner of my room and hibernating until it's time to leave for college. I don't have a job, which I'm fully aware is my own fault, otherwise I might not be so incredibly bored and restless. I sleep most of the day away, a fact which my mother never stops twitting at me about.
Actually my mother has not stopped twitting at me for more than three seconds since summer started, which I'm sure contributes to the whole 'want-to-leave-RIGHT-NOW' feeling. First it was my lack of a job, then it was my room, then it was thank-you notes, then it was my room again, then it was the painting I did for my grandparents' anniversary, and now it's my room and more thank-you notes. That, plus a record three-dinner streak of making oblivious homophobic comments, is definitely not contributing to a mother-daughter bond.
I'm just at the point where I hate everything and everyone around me and I want to go somewhere where everyone will just leave me the hell alone, and where nothing reminds me of where I used to be.
Labels: depression
# posted by Liadan @ 1:06 AM 
