April 15, 2003
the epic decision
The situation:
First, one too many monologuical "conversations" beginning with "When you marry the man of your dreams and have kids..." over spring break. Especially when we were visiting my college, where my late grandfather used to live, reminiscences from my grandmother provoked predictions of my future marital status from my mother.
Second, my generally worsening relationship with my parents. I've gotten very snippy with them lately, especially my mother, on the rare occasions I'm even around them any more. During break, I spent 99% of the time holed up in my bedroom with my headphones welded to my ears. Besides that, I've noticed that the things I used to be able to tolerate from her, stupid stuff like being annoying in the morning, are now enough to send me into a bad mood spiral.
This, I think, is more or less because I've started to try to split myself away from them. I feel, sometimes, like I really don't have parents in the full sense of the word, just benefactors. Part of it is going away to college and that sort of thing, and part of it is kind of a pre-emptive rejection. Since I know they'll push me away if/when I come out to them, I suppose I'm doing it myself, maybe in the hopes that it won't hurt as much if I'm not as attached to them.
That should probably bother me, but it doesn't. I'm kind of used to not trusting people any more.
That, in part at least, is making my depression act up. Usually, the stuff in my sketchbook (that's not characters and doodles, that is) is the imagery that's spinning through my head around that time, which always has much to do with my emotional state at the time. Lately, the imagery's been getting darker and more pain-blood-suicide type of stuff. I had to throw a sketch away because it disturbed even me. I draw a lot of leafless, gnarly trees-- they're kind of a recurring motif with me-- but normally not with people hanging from them.
Then there's the recurrences, lately, of sitting in a class or at lunch with friends, and mentally stepping back and looking around myself, watching everyone laugh and joke like they always do, and suddenly feeling utterly alone. Disconnected, isolated, marooned, like they're part of something I can't quite grasp, something I'm missing out on. That's when I know something is wrong again, when the intellectual "These people are my friends" and the heart-wrench "Who are these people?" collide.
A couple of days ago, I was sitting outside during art coloring a character sketch with a few friends sitting around the table with me. Faye, being Faye, decided that we were going to talk about sex. She and Leigh then decided that I hadn't participated enough in previous conversations, so this one was going to focus on me. So I got put through a battery of questions of "who at this school would I have sex with?" and "who do I think is cute?" Well, not being able to openly say "Actually, I think the sophomore girl in Intermediate Art is rather fetching" bothered me. Perhaps I'm just masochistic, but I always figured that lying-by-omission was still just lying. That, and I dislike being questioned about my sex life (or lack thereof) in general. That's some pretty personal stuff, there, not something I like to toss out for the other girls to giggle over. I am not the chatty share-my-life-story type.
Also, they were bugging me about Sam, which just pissed me off. Yes, I had a crush on him. So sue me. No, I don't need you to speculate on who his predecessors were. No, I don't need you to follow me to my locker giggling his name at me. I was a hairsbreadth away from hauling off and slapping Leigh in the head, which seems to be happening more and more lately.
So, the question: do I tell my parents, and by extension, the rest of my friends, I'm bi?
The pros:
No more "when you meet Mr. Right" maunderings. When it comes down to it, for several reasons, I frankly think I'll probably end up with a woman. At any rate, it would definitely shut my mom up, unless she decided to take the denial route.
No more awkward avoidance of gender-specific pronouns in conversations.
Finally be living an honest life. This, really, is my main reason. I mean, I'm trying to be a genuine Christian here. And generally, Christians don't go to great lengths to cover up their God-made identity unless it's for some greater purpose, which this isn't. This is hurting me spiritually, and that should be the deciding factor. The fact that it's not bothers me even more.
The cons:
Badly reacting parents who will:
(a) Best case: Freak out and send me into therapy.
(b) Worst case: Freak out and send me to the front porch with my suitcase.
Do I think I'm overstating my case? No, not really. I'm sure it's possible that I'm underestimating my parents' ability to cope and accept, but I don't think it's likely. Based on a couple of attempts to fish out their reactions, and the random comments they've made about stuff like homosexuality and what they would do if I did something Wrong, I do think that my best-case scenario is a permanently damaged relationship with my parents, and my worst-case scenario is a permanently severed one.
Stemming from such, the whole depression angle, seeing as it tends to flare up when I'm stressed out, either physically or emotionally.
Badly reacting "friends,' in whatever capacity.
As selfish as this sounds, losing my college tuition to AIUA. Financial support in general, really.
The synopsis:
Broken family and no money versus a life lived as I believe God intends.
Shouldn't I, as a Christian, be intrepidly striding off to conquer my fears? I'm afraid that having pragmatic doubts about the outcome means I don't really trust God to take care of me. So it seems obvious, at the first.
But... how, really? There's no easy way to tell this kind of thing to parents you're sure will combust at the very thought. Ruin a good mood, or risk catching the wrong end of a bad mood? In private where they can kick you out easily, or in public where you might end up on the six o'clock broadcast? In person, where you get the full shock backlash, or in a letter or something where by the time you get home they might have built up even more fury? Beyond that, I know where I could temporarily go if Scenario (b) were to occur, seeing as Sorcha's house is open to me, but what then? I can't live there forever, and I don't know if I could get real work with what I know now.
Actually, I find it a little funny that I might have to explain to them what bisexuality is before they kick me out. Their worldview is largely black-or-white, Christian-or-atheist/pagan, gay-or-straight type of stuff. The significant fact, though, would be the whole marriage thing, and I'm fairly sure that'd put them over the edge, especially because I know my mom would say I was only saying that to be "contrarian."
I've considered just coming out to everyone but them, but the logistics of that are pretty mind-boggling. It's impossible to keep control of the gossip circuit, and way too many gossipy girls I know tell everything to their mothers to be circulated on the even-more-formidable Mothers' Grapevine. I think that would just end up with someone else telling them and then they'd get even madder that not only am I bisexual, I didn't tell (read: lied to) them about it.
Will I? Not soon, probably. I've rolled this around in my brain too many times and always come to this same impasse. I don't want to let go of my dreams just yet.
First, one too many monologuical "conversations" beginning with "When you marry the man of your dreams and have kids..." over spring break. Especially when we were visiting my college, where my late grandfather used to live, reminiscences from my grandmother provoked predictions of my future marital status from my mother.
Second, my generally worsening relationship with my parents. I've gotten very snippy with them lately, especially my mother, on the rare occasions I'm even around them any more. During break, I spent 99% of the time holed up in my bedroom with my headphones welded to my ears. Besides that, I've noticed that the things I used to be able to tolerate from her, stupid stuff like being annoying in the morning, are now enough to send me into a bad mood spiral.
This, I think, is more or less because I've started to try to split myself away from them. I feel, sometimes, like I really don't have parents in the full sense of the word, just benefactors. Part of it is going away to college and that sort of thing, and part of it is kind of a pre-emptive rejection. Since I know they'll push me away if/when I come out to them, I suppose I'm doing it myself, maybe in the hopes that it won't hurt as much if I'm not as attached to them.
That should probably bother me, but it doesn't. I'm kind of used to not trusting people any more.
That, in part at least, is making my depression act up. Usually, the stuff in my sketchbook (that's not characters and doodles, that is) is the imagery that's spinning through my head around that time, which always has much to do with my emotional state at the time. Lately, the imagery's been getting darker and more pain-blood-suicide type of stuff. I had to throw a sketch away because it disturbed even me. I draw a lot of leafless, gnarly trees-- they're kind of a recurring motif with me-- but normally not with people hanging from them.
Then there's the recurrences, lately, of sitting in a class or at lunch with friends, and mentally stepping back and looking around myself, watching everyone laugh and joke like they always do, and suddenly feeling utterly alone. Disconnected, isolated, marooned, like they're part of something I can't quite grasp, something I'm missing out on. That's when I know something is wrong again, when the intellectual "These people are my friends" and the heart-wrench "Who are these people?" collide.
A couple of days ago, I was sitting outside during art coloring a character sketch with a few friends sitting around the table with me. Faye, being Faye, decided that we were going to talk about sex. She and Leigh then decided that I hadn't participated enough in previous conversations, so this one was going to focus on me. So I got put through a battery of questions of "who at this school would I have sex with?" and "who do I think is cute?" Well, not being able to openly say "Actually, I think the sophomore girl in Intermediate Art is rather fetching" bothered me. Perhaps I'm just masochistic, but I always figured that lying-by-omission was still just lying. That, and I dislike being questioned about my sex life (or lack thereof) in general. That's some pretty personal stuff, there, not something I like to toss out for the other girls to giggle over. I am not the chatty share-my-life-story type.
Also, they were bugging me about Sam, which just pissed me off. Yes, I had a crush on him. So sue me. No, I don't need you to speculate on who his predecessors were. No, I don't need you to follow me to my locker giggling his name at me. I was a hairsbreadth away from hauling off and slapping Leigh in the head, which seems to be happening more and more lately.
So, the question: do I tell my parents, and by extension, the rest of my friends, I'm bi?
The pros:
No more "when you meet Mr. Right" maunderings. When it comes down to it, for several reasons, I frankly think I'll probably end up with a woman. At any rate, it would definitely shut my mom up, unless she decided to take the denial route.
No more awkward avoidance of gender-specific pronouns in conversations.
Finally be living an honest life. This, really, is my main reason. I mean, I'm trying to be a genuine Christian here. And generally, Christians don't go to great lengths to cover up their God-made identity unless it's for some greater purpose, which this isn't. This is hurting me spiritually, and that should be the deciding factor. The fact that it's not bothers me even more.
The cons:
Badly reacting parents who will:
(a) Best case: Freak out and send me into therapy.
(b) Worst case: Freak out and send me to the front porch with my suitcase.
Do I think I'm overstating my case? No, not really. I'm sure it's possible that I'm underestimating my parents' ability to cope and accept, but I don't think it's likely. Based on a couple of attempts to fish out their reactions, and the random comments they've made about stuff like homosexuality and what they would do if I did something Wrong, I do think that my best-case scenario is a permanently damaged relationship with my parents, and my worst-case scenario is a permanently severed one.
Stemming from such, the whole depression angle, seeing as it tends to flare up when I'm stressed out, either physically or emotionally.
Badly reacting "friends,' in whatever capacity.
As selfish as this sounds, losing my college tuition to AIUA. Financial support in general, really.
The synopsis:
Broken family and no money versus a life lived as I believe God intends.
Shouldn't I, as a Christian, be intrepidly striding off to conquer my fears? I'm afraid that having pragmatic doubts about the outcome means I don't really trust God to take care of me. So it seems obvious, at the first.
But... how, really? There's no easy way to tell this kind of thing to parents you're sure will combust at the very thought. Ruin a good mood, or risk catching the wrong end of a bad mood? In private where they can kick you out easily, or in public where you might end up on the six o'clock broadcast? In person, where you get the full shock backlash, or in a letter or something where by the time you get home they might have built up even more fury? Beyond that, I know where I could temporarily go if Scenario (b) were to occur, seeing as Sorcha's house is open to me, but what then? I can't live there forever, and I don't know if I could get real work with what I know now.
Actually, I find it a little funny that I might have to explain to them what bisexuality is before they kick me out. Their worldview is largely black-or-white, Christian-or-atheist/pagan, gay-or-straight type of stuff. The significant fact, though, would be the whole marriage thing, and I'm fairly sure that'd put them over the edge, especially because I know my mom would say I was only saying that to be "contrarian."
I've considered just coming out to everyone but them, but the logistics of that are pretty mind-boggling. It's impossible to keep control of the gossip circuit, and way too many gossipy girls I know tell everything to their mothers to be circulated on the even-more-formidable Mothers' Grapevine. I think that would just end up with someone else telling them and then they'd get even madder that not only am I bisexual, I didn't tell (read: lied to) them about it.
Will I? Not soon, probably. I've rolled this around in my brain too many times and always come to this same impasse. I don't want to let go of my dreams just yet.
Labels: depression, family, Teh Gay
# posted by Liadan @ 11:11 PM 
