February 06, 2003
relapse *
My head hurts a little, so I can't exactly get my thoughts sorted out. And there's a lot of them, so there's a lot of sorting to do.
I know why they call it a closet now. Because closets are very small, dark rooms that are easy to hide in, but next to impossible to live in. I'm going crazy in here, on a very literal level.
I was driving myself home today, having left right before seventh period started. Illegal, technically. It was cold and rainy, and for some reason the windshield wipers weren't working very well, and they kept leaving streaks on the glass. This irritated me far more than it should. I was thinking dark thoughts on the way home. I actually caught myself drifting towards the same type of thoughts that I had during my darkest days in middle school. That's really not a good sign. The weather didn't help, and neither did my frame of mind from school today.
In chapel, the speaker was one of those quiet-and-staid looking men that turns out to be hyperkinetic. Usually, those are fun. And I was enjoying listening to him, for the most part.
But his topic kind of got to me after a while. It was about the consequences of sin. And the main sin he talked about, or one that was linked to all of the ones he talked about, was dishonesty and deception. Oh, his main example for that one was cheating on a test, as is usual for chapel speakers who want to get down wit' the teenage crowd, but still.
I think it hurt most of all because I value truth. I hate being dishonest with every bone in my body, because I hate it when people are dishonest to me. I hate fakeness and facades.
And yet, my entire public persona is based on a lie. Presumed straight, actually bi. Frankly, I'd be surprised if there hasn't been speculation already, seeing as the two people I have told have both said they "knew something" all along. Not that I'd ever hear if there was. And hell, it took me long enough to figure it out.
-- And my dog has GOT to stop pushing open the door unannounced before he gives me a HEART ATTACK one of these days... *sigh*
Thing is, if it weren't for the fact that I'm deathly afraid of being kicked out of the house, I wouldn't have that big of a problem coming out at all. Ostracization, bashing, whatever, I could deal with that. And even if my parents kicked me out, I still know I would at least have one place to go. I'm sure Sorcha's family would let me stay.
As selfish as it sounds, I'm worried that if they find out, I won't get to go to SCXD, and as far as I can tell, that's my one avenue of escape. If I could support myself on my own two feet, I wouldn't have to feel like such a mooching liar all the time, because I wouldn't have to worry about my financial support being cut off.
Granted, I'm also worried that I'll never see my brothers or sister... okay, sisters... again. I love Aelgifu and Sigismund and Ignatius dearly (and I suppose Dymphna's not really that bad, once I've gotten used to not living with her all the time). And then there's the extended family, whom I'm sure wouldn't exactly be sending me Christmas cards either. I'm sure my mom's mother would probably never speak to me again. I don't know about my dad's parents, I'm thinking probably not.
I know what my mother would do. She's already stated in all seriousness that if I was to get pregnant out of wedlock, she would put me on the front porch with a suitcase. If she would do that if I had her grandchild, what would she do if she found out there's a good chance she might not get any progeny from me?
So, returning to semi-original point. The fact that staying stuck in the closet is causing me to suffer depressive relapses. This by itself would be enough to make me seek help somewhere. But. If i did go to a therapist, said therapist would probably say that the healthiest thing to do would be to come out. And I've already rehashed that outcome. Suffice it to say that I don't think the aftermath would be any more psychologically healthy than my current situation is.
I know why they call it a closet now. Because closets are very small, dark rooms that are easy to hide in, but next to impossible to live in. I'm going crazy in here, on a very literal level.
I was driving myself home today, having left right before seventh period started. Illegal, technically. It was cold and rainy, and for some reason the windshield wipers weren't working very well, and they kept leaving streaks on the glass. This irritated me far more than it should. I was thinking dark thoughts on the way home. I actually caught myself drifting towards the same type of thoughts that I had during my darkest days in middle school. That's really not a good sign. The weather didn't help, and neither did my frame of mind from school today.
In chapel, the speaker was one of those quiet-and-staid looking men that turns out to be hyperkinetic. Usually, those are fun. And I was enjoying listening to him, for the most part.
But his topic kind of got to me after a while. It was about the consequences of sin. And the main sin he talked about, or one that was linked to all of the ones he talked about, was dishonesty and deception. Oh, his main example for that one was cheating on a test, as is usual for chapel speakers who want to get down wit' the teenage crowd, but still.
I think it hurt most of all because I value truth. I hate being dishonest with every bone in my body, because I hate it when people are dishonest to me. I hate fakeness and facades.
And yet, my entire public persona is based on a lie. Presumed straight, actually bi. Frankly, I'd be surprised if there hasn't been speculation already, seeing as the two people I have told have both said they "knew something" all along. Not that I'd ever hear if there was. And hell, it took me long enough to figure it out.
-- And my dog has GOT to stop pushing open the door unannounced before he gives me a HEART ATTACK one of these days... *sigh*
Thing is, if it weren't for the fact that I'm deathly afraid of being kicked out of the house, I wouldn't have that big of a problem coming out at all. Ostracization, bashing, whatever, I could deal with that. And even if my parents kicked me out, I still know I would at least have one place to go. I'm sure Sorcha's family would let me stay.
As selfish as it sounds, I'm worried that if they find out, I won't get to go to SCXD, and as far as I can tell, that's my one avenue of escape. If I could support myself on my own two feet, I wouldn't have to feel like such a mooching liar all the time, because I wouldn't have to worry about my financial support being cut off.
Granted, I'm also worried that I'll never see my brothers or sister... okay, sisters... again. I love Aelgifu and Sigismund and Ignatius dearly (and I suppose Dymphna's not really that bad, once I've gotten used to not living with her all the time). And then there's the extended family, whom I'm sure wouldn't exactly be sending me Christmas cards either. I'm sure my mom's mother would probably never speak to me again. I don't know about my dad's parents, I'm thinking probably not.
I know what my mother would do. She's already stated in all seriousness that if I was to get pregnant out of wedlock, she would put me on the front porch with a suitcase. If she would do that if I had her grandchild, what would she do if she found out there's a good chance she might not get any progeny from me?
So, returning to semi-original point. The fact that staying stuck in the closet is causing me to suffer depressive relapses. This by itself would be enough to make me seek help somewhere. But. If i did go to a therapist, said therapist would probably say that the healthiest thing to do would be to come out. And I've already rehashed that outcome. Suffice it to say that I don't think the aftermath would be any more psychologically healthy than my current situation is.
Labels: depression, family, Teh Gay
# posted by Liadan @ 9:36 PM 
