February 12, 2003
anticipation *
I was just on the phone with Bridget, talking about her college audition and various other things, and I brought up the topic of the Heart Game. She asked me who got my (paper) heart, and I shrugged, because I'm stupid enough to still make gestures when I'm talking on the phone, and said that I gave it away. This led to a short discussion about who I would give my heart to. It appears that Bridget thinks all my passcoded entries are about which boy I have a crush on.
This strikes me as both profoundly funny and profoundly uncomfortable.
Astrid and I have been planning a Friday night outing this weekend for me to come out to Bridget and Daphne. We had to plan this carefully, to make it impossible for Leigh or Faye to come.
Leigh's pretty much a homophobe. As I found out when I did my Gay Report last year, she thinks it's a disgusting, unnatural Sin. She's also the type that tells her mother absolutely everything. Her mom also talks to my mom. I can't take the risk that it could get to my parents that way. As your destiny engine of choice would have it, Leigh is a Seventh-Day Adventist who can't go out on Friday nights or Saturdays, and her mother is going to Texas so she'll have to stay home to babysit anyway. This clears us of having to schedule around her for this weekend.
Faye... well, I don't think she's a 'phobe, per se, but she is more conservative than I am and I don't know how deep this runs. She also has had an incident where she took her moral quandaries about a friend's actions to the school authorities. Right below My Family on the Do Not Come Out To Until Financially Independent List is My School, and the school would take it to my family anyway.
Granted, I hate not telling Leigh or Faye. They're both my friends. I've gone to church with Faye since we were little. Leigh is my friend. But I simply don't think I can run the risk that it will get back to my parents if either one decides that loving the sinner involves forcefully outing her.
Bridget and Daphne have, thus far, been fairly supportive of homosexuality in the abstract. Heck, Bridget's got gay theatre friends out the wazoo. But there are theatre friends and homosexuality as an idea, and then there's your friend standing in front of you saying "I'm bi." And I don't know how they'll handle that.
I'm wondering how I'll react. The two times I've come out so far were both online, where I didn't have to look anyone in the eye at all, and I still got shaking fits from nervousness both times. When I told Sorcha, I could literally feel my heart beating in my chest, and when the adrenaline crash came down my hands were shaking so hard I could barely type. Telling someone in person will be a whole different experience. And if it goes badly, this will be in a public place, probably. I don't know what I'll do then.
I'm scared, and I'm nervous, and at the same time, I can't wait until Friday because I can't stand to wait any longer. I want to get this over with, no matter how it goes. Even if it goes badly and Bridget and Daphne tell me they never want to speak to me again, which I intellectually doubt but emotionally fear, I'll at least know that I don't have to look them in the eye any more and know that they don't really know who's looking at them.
In some ways, It's been better since I told Sorcha and Astrid. It's easier to have someone that I know I can talk to without fearing that they'll rat me out. It's a lot easier to know that your best friend in the world still loves you. But at the same time, it sucks even more to not be out to the whole world. I know now that I'm accepted by at least sme people, and that makes it easier to want to tell the whole world what the deal is. It also puts the whole school-and-family-will-hate-me deal in even greater contrast.
C'est la vie.
This strikes me as both profoundly funny and profoundly uncomfortable.
Astrid and I have been planning a Friday night outing this weekend for me to come out to Bridget and Daphne. We had to plan this carefully, to make it impossible for Leigh or Faye to come.
Leigh's pretty much a homophobe. As I found out when I did my Gay Report last year, she thinks it's a disgusting, unnatural Sin. She's also the type that tells her mother absolutely everything. Her mom also talks to my mom. I can't take the risk that it could get to my parents that way. As your destiny engine of choice would have it, Leigh is a Seventh-Day Adventist who can't go out on Friday nights or Saturdays, and her mother is going to Texas so she'll have to stay home to babysit anyway. This clears us of having to schedule around her for this weekend.
Faye... well, I don't think she's a 'phobe, per se, but she is more conservative than I am and I don't know how deep this runs. She also has had an incident where she took her moral quandaries about a friend's actions to the school authorities. Right below My Family on the Do Not Come Out To Until Financially Independent List is My School, and the school would take it to my family anyway.
Granted, I hate not telling Leigh or Faye. They're both my friends. I've gone to church with Faye since we were little. Leigh is my friend. But I simply don't think I can run the risk that it will get back to my parents if either one decides that loving the sinner involves forcefully outing her.
Bridget and Daphne have, thus far, been fairly supportive of homosexuality in the abstract. Heck, Bridget's got gay theatre friends out the wazoo. But there are theatre friends and homosexuality as an idea, and then there's your friend standing in front of you saying "I'm bi." And I don't know how they'll handle that.
I'm wondering how I'll react. The two times I've come out so far were both online, where I didn't have to look anyone in the eye at all, and I still got shaking fits from nervousness both times. When I told Sorcha, I could literally feel my heart beating in my chest, and when the adrenaline crash came down my hands were shaking so hard I could barely type. Telling someone in person will be a whole different experience. And if it goes badly, this will be in a public place, probably. I don't know what I'll do then.
I'm scared, and I'm nervous, and at the same time, I can't wait until Friday because I can't stand to wait any longer. I want to get this over with, no matter how it goes. Even if it goes badly and Bridget and Daphne tell me they never want to speak to me again, which I intellectually doubt but emotionally fear, I'll at least know that I don't have to look them in the eye any more and know that they don't really know who's looking at them.
In some ways, It's been better since I told Sorcha and Astrid. It's easier to have someone that I know I can talk to without fearing that they'll rat me out. It's a lot easier to know that your best friend in the world still loves you. But at the same time, it sucks even more to not be out to the whole world. I know now that I'm accepted by at least sme people, and that makes it easier to want to tell the whole world what the deal is. It also puts the whole school-and-family-will-hate-me deal in even greater contrast.
C'est la vie.
# posted by Liadan @ 7:49 PM 
