January 30, 2003
truth hurts
well, Dan posted this at a rather inconvenient time for me, seeing as it lines up with the motivation for all the recent passcoded entries back there in the archives, so I'm about to go on a cryptic little self-justification spree here, if you'll all excuse me. I would've passcoded it, but that seemed a little incongruous with the title, there.
"yeah, i know, it will hurt you and other people in the short run.
long term it will make you *be* a better person. "
*snort* Short run? Sure, if your lie is something like "Mommy, Rover really didn't break the lamp" or "I borrowed your sweater without asking."
But then there are the types of secrets that have slightly more long-ranging consequences. Like, oh, getting kicked out of one's house, being disowned by one's parents, never seeing your siblings whom you love dearly for the rest of your life, coerced therapy, loss of financial support, teensy weensy considerations like those.
There is one particular issue I deal with that could-- and, I think, will-- have these consequences and others I probably haven't even considered yet. The past few weeks, for different reasons, have brought this to a head for me, and this post kind of hit me between the eyes, no extended metaphor intended. For a while recently, I considered actually just getting a different readers-only journal (I've had bad experiences with other people doing that, so... no).
Maybe if I "stopped lying" now, I would survive the ensuing firestorm to become a "better person," but this is assuming I didn't go through another depressive episode. I've been there, it wasn't fun, and I don't particularly feel like putting myself in a situation which would almost certainly cause a hard-core relapse.
I recognize that there's a point where I will have to stop this, but as far as I'm concerned, that point is not now. I don't know if it's ethical, I don't know if it's moral, I don't know. I just know that it's something I do in order to keep myself in one piece, so to speak.
I don't pretend that I'm doing what I am for some great Dietrich Bonhoeffer-like purpose. Yep, this is pretty much all about me. Yet, I think there's a line between selfish and self-defense. I appreciate the point about lying-to-make-things-easier being undesirable, but where does lying-as-means-of-survival fit in here? Where's the line between "preservation of comfort" and "preservation of sanity"?
"yeah, i know, it will hurt you and other people in the short run.
long term it will make you *be* a better person. "
*snort* Short run? Sure, if your lie is something like "Mommy, Rover really didn't break the lamp" or "I borrowed your sweater without asking."
But then there are the types of secrets that have slightly more long-ranging consequences. Like, oh, getting kicked out of one's house, being disowned by one's parents, never seeing your siblings whom you love dearly for the rest of your life, coerced therapy, loss of financial support, teensy weensy considerations like those.
There is one particular issue I deal with that could-- and, I think, will-- have these consequences and others I probably haven't even considered yet. The past few weeks, for different reasons, have brought this to a head for me, and this post kind of hit me between the eyes, no extended metaphor intended. For a while recently, I considered actually just getting a different readers-only journal (I've had bad experiences with other people doing that, so... no).
Maybe if I "stopped lying" now, I would survive the ensuing firestorm to become a "better person," but this is assuming I didn't go through another depressive episode. I've been there, it wasn't fun, and I don't particularly feel like putting myself in a situation which would almost certainly cause a hard-core relapse.
I recognize that there's a point where I will have to stop this, but as far as I'm concerned, that point is not now. I don't know if it's ethical, I don't know if it's moral, I don't know. I just know that it's something I do in order to keep myself in one piece, so to speak.
I don't pretend that I'm doing what I am for some great Dietrich Bonhoeffer-like purpose. Yep, this is pretty much all about me. Yet, I think there's a line between selfish and self-defense. I appreciate the point about lying-to-make-things-easier being undesirable, but where does lying-as-means-of-survival fit in here? Where's the line between "preservation of comfort" and "preservation of sanity"?
Labels: depression, Teh Gay
# posted by Liadan @ 9:23 PM 
