Resipiscence

There's a passage in either City of Golden Shadow or River of Blue Fire, I forget which, where Orlando describes the feeling of telling a hard-kept secret as "taking one's clothes off in public, a chilling freedom." That sort of dizzying liberation like being dunked in ice water after a sauna.

Well, I was talking to Astrid and telling her that if she was seriously Depressed, she needed to get help, judging from my own experience. It was obvious that she wasn't listening very hard. She referred to her feelings as her "black box." So I asked her if she wanted to know my black box, so she could know I was telling her the truth, and she said yes.

So I told her, after praying for courage and hoping my heart wouldn't beat its way out of my rib cage, that I'm bisexual.

*whoosh* goes the breath.

Her reply? "ok"

Amazing how two letters can convey and conceal so much at the same time.

At any rate, we're gonna talk about it more tomorrow, if we get the chance, and we've agreed to keep this strictly between-us for the time being.

But... whoa. I've never told anyone, with the exception of one guestbook message, that I'm bi before. It's not something I'm particularly eager to bruit about. For purely self-centered reasons-- I could be kicked out of school, I could be disowned or kicked out of home, forced to go into ex-gay therapy, feared and mocked at school...

Really, what I'm most afraid of is losing the people I thought were my friends.

And to be honest, I'm still struggling with this issue between me and God. Partially because of all the conflicting information I get. It's something I need to pray more about, I guess.

But what a cold-water moment that was. A chilling freedom.

Labels: friends, Teh Gay