October 17, 2002
chapel "worship"
I've probably mentioned this before, but one day a week at my small, private Christian school is "chapel day." This means that everyone comes to school dressed in church clothes (which means I have to wear a skirt-- grr, arg, grumble, but I'll get around to that later), gather together for about an hour, sing songs (a.k.a. "worship"), listen to a sermon from whomever they've found this week, and then go to homeroom for the remainder of the period.
What used to happen was that everyone would collect in the cafeteria, sit on metal folding chairs, listen to the announcements -- which was, really, the most fun part because the Student Council President and VP would do them, at least until recently -- get up, sing some banal "praise songs," sit down, listen to a sermoneer, and then leave.
That was BF: Before Fred.
When Fred came, he somehow was declared "Dean of Chapel," an office which heretofore had not existed, because Student Council controlled chapel (to an extent). With the arrival of Fred came some major changes this year:
[!] Even MORE banal "worship" songs. One today was particularly egregrious. The song went like this:
Prepare the way, prepare the way, prepare the way for the Lord (repeat 3x)
Jesus (repeat 8x)
Jesus (repeat 10x)
I kid you not. Someone made MONEY off this-- off copy-pasting Jesus's name over and over. We had to repeat the name a total of THIRTY-SIX TIMES. If you were a guy. If you were a girl, the total was bumped up to about forty-eight, because for some reason the girls always get the "echo" parts. Apparently, it never occurred to the writer that when you repeat a word over and over, it starts to lose its cognitive meaning.
This is coupled with a band which consists of one good drummer, one good guitar, about two good singers... and three other guitars and up to eight other singers with the collective musical sensitivity of a rock, and a music teacher who is not only a tenor who delights in showing off his vocal range which, unfortunately, does not coincide with that of 99% of the school, but also evinces a fondness for using his keyboard to produce John Tesh-like synthesizer effects.
[!] Incredibly pointless and stupid technological frippery. Someone had the bright idea to spend money on a huge projection screen. The majority of the student body thinks this was an incredible waste of money that could have been used much better elsewhere. The banal song lyrics are flashed up there on ugly PowerPoint slides, Bible verses are flashed up there... on ugly PowerPoint slides... pictures of teachers when they were small children and homecoming queens and soccer players are flashed up there... etc.
Today, we had the privilege of watching a blurred and distorted image of Mr. Rice the Friendly Neighborhood Sexist preaching about honoring one's parents, right after a really smarmy video asking kids what this commandment meant (key phrase: "cleaning one's room"). Unfortunately, since Mr. Rice was standing in the light of the projector, not only was there a shadow on the projector screen, some of the image was being projected onto him, and that image-on-an-image was simultaneously being projected on the screen, for an interesting example of infinite regress that captured far more of my attention than his drunkenly weaving sermon.
[!] The splitting of Thursdays into two separate time schedules depending on the scheduling of chapel, which makes for really confusing class changes. You never know where you're supposed to go after first period, because the time schedule in use for the day is only announced during or afterwards.
[!] Fred in general.
For some reason, he feels the need to summarize and elaborate upon the sermon for ten minutes after the sermon has ended. Considering the fatuous vapidity of most of the sermons, this is not only totally unnecessary, but annoying. A class of academically above-average high-school students does not have to have this kind of stuff explained to them. A class of recently lobotomized chimpanzees would not have to have most of this stuff explained to them. Also included in these post-sermon sermonettes is usually a nugget of Fred's Ever-Sagacious Wisdom, including most recently some wacked idea of changing the school's Honor Code to a "Stewardship Code," because apparently fewer students would cheat if they knew that their work was being done "to the glory of God." Riiiiight. When you're ready to come out from under your cozy little rock, Fred dear, allow time for your eyes to adjust.
The corollary, then, is that when we DO have a good sermon-- and we do occasionally, last week's was very good-- Fred kills the joy by adding a Fredtist postscript (this was the scene of the Stewardship Code crime described above).
[!] Even more banal sermons. Partially due to the fact that Fred preaches a lot. Partially due to the fact that he, not the SC, now chooses the chapel speakers. Which means-- show of hands?-- that all the speakers are (a) male, (b) bald, (c) sports fanatics, (c) food lovers, or (d) any combination of the above. In effect, they're pretty much just like Fred.
[!] The fact that about two-thirds of all chapels are held in the gym. This may not sound like a big deal, but I mentioned girls have to wear skirts, right? Well, try climbing up the bleachers in skirts without flashing anyone or slipping on impractical shoes that are the only things we're allowed to wear. I've resorted to wearing Birkenstocks and combat boots as a form of protest. (I wore the Birks today. Go figure, my feet were cold, because I couldn't wear socks.)
Also, I hate skirts in general. Last year, they temporarily changed the rule to allow dress pants. This year, they changed it back because the rule was being "abused," as some girls (including myself) were wearing khakis they deemed not formal enough. Yet they took away the tie requirement for the guys. Boys and girls, can we say "double standard?"
[!] Fred-- oh wait, I said this already.
[!] Most importantly, the way this is supposed to be "contemporary" worship when it's even more out of step with the times than the "old" worship was.
I just about retched over the JesusJesusJesus song today. It was fluff. Stupid, silly, insulting fluff. I think my Savior deserves a song that had more thought put into it than highlight ctrl-C ctrl-V.
On the other hand, in church the other day, we started singing "All Creatures of our God and King" which is based on a text by St. Francis of Assisi. I wonder why we can't do that-- oh yes, because it's old and non-contemporary? It's a gorgeous song. I usually hate hymns, and I loved it.
On the third hand I had stuffed up my sleeve, I see no reason why we can't use secular songs as well. The song that describes my faith best is U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." Beyond that, even something like Jars of Clay or Third Day or people like that would be such a great change from Jesus Times Infinity And Oh, By The Way, Hallelujah and Stuff.
I'm seriously considering writing Fred an e-mail addressing this. This isn't just me, this is the entire student body that's dissatisfied with these changes. This can't go on much longer, because my sanity is beginning to wear thin after going through this every ever-loving week.
What used to happen was that everyone would collect in the cafeteria, sit on metal folding chairs, listen to the announcements -- which was, really, the most fun part because the Student Council President and VP would do them, at least until recently -- get up, sing some banal "praise songs," sit down, listen to a sermoneer, and then leave.
That was BF: Before Fred.
When Fred came, he somehow was declared "Dean of Chapel," an office which heretofore had not existed, because Student Council controlled chapel (to an extent). With the arrival of Fred came some major changes this year:
[!] Even MORE banal "worship" songs. One today was particularly egregrious. The song went like this:
Prepare the way, prepare the way, prepare the way for the Lord (repeat 3x)
Jesus (repeat 8x)
Jesus (repeat 10x)
I kid you not. Someone made MONEY off this-- off copy-pasting Jesus's name over and over. We had to repeat the name a total of THIRTY-SIX TIMES. If you were a guy. If you were a girl, the total was bumped up to about forty-eight, because for some reason the girls always get the "echo" parts. Apparently, it never occurred to the writer that when you repeat a word over and over, it starts to lose its cognitive meaning.
This is coupled with a band which consists of one good drummer, one good guitar, about two good singers... and three other guitars and up to eight other singers with the collective musical sensitivity of a rock, and a music teacher who is not only a tenor who delights in showing off his vocal range which, unfortunately, does not coincide with that of 99% of the school, but also evinces a fondness for using his keyboard to produce John Tesh-like synthesizer effects.
[!] Incredibly pointless and stupid technological frippery. Someone had the bright idea to spend money on a huge projection screen. The majority of the student body thinks this was an incredible waste of money that could have been used much better elsewhere. The banal song lyrics are flashed up there on ugly PowerPoint slides, Bible verses are flashed up there... on ugly PowerPoint slides... pictures of teachers when they were small children and homecoming queens and soccer players are flashed up there... etc.
Today, we had the privilege of watching a blurred and distorted image of Mr. Rice the Friendly Neighborhood Sexist preaching about honoring one's parents, right after a really smarmy video asking kids what this commandment meant (key phrase: "cleaning one's room"). Unfortunately, since Mr. Rice was standing in the light of the projector, not only was there a shadow on the projector screen, some of the image was being projected onto him, and that image-on-an-image was simultaneously being projected on the screen, for an interesting example of infinite regress that captured far more of my attention than his drunkenly weaving sermon.
[!] The splitting of Thursdays into two separate time schedules depending on the scheduling of chapel, which makes for really confusing class changes. You never know where you're supposed to go after first period, because the time schedule in use for the day is only announced during or afterwards.
[!] Fred in general.
For some reason, he feels the need to summarize and elaborate upon the sermon for ten minutes after the sermon has ended. Considering the fatuous vapidity of most of the sermons, this is not only totally unnecessary, but annoying. A class of academically above-average high-school students does not have to have this kind of stuff explained to them. A class of recently lobotomized chimpanzees would not have to have most of this stuff explained to them. Also included in these post-sermon sermonettes is usually a nugget of Fred's Ever-Sagacious Wisdom, including most recently some wacked idea of changing the school's Honor Code to a "Stewardship Code," because apparently fewer students would cheat if they knew that their work was being done "to the glory of God." Riiiiight. When you're ready to come out from under your cozy little rock, Fred dear, allow time for your eyes to adjust.
The corollary, then, is that when we DO have a good sermon-- and we do occasionally, last week's was very good-- Fred kills the joy by adding a Fredtist postscript (this was the scene of the Stewardship Code crime described above).
[!] Even more banal sermons. Partially due to the fact that Fred preaches a lot. Partially due to the fact that he, not the SC, now chooses the chapel speakers. Which means-- show of hands?-- that all the speakers are (a) male, (b) bald, (c) sports fanatics, (c) food lovers, or (d) any combination of the above. In effect, they're pretty much just like Fred.
[!] The fact that about two-thirds of all chapels are held in the gym. This may not sound like a big deal, but I mentioned girls have to wear skirts, right? Well, try climbing up the bleachers in skirts without flashing anyone or slipping on impractical shoes that are the only things we're allowed to wear. I've resorted to wearing Birkenstocks and combat boots as a form of protest. (I wore the Birks today. Go figure, my feet were cold, because I couldn't wear socks.)
Also, I hate skirts in general. Last year, they temporarily changed the rule to allow dress pants. This year, they changed it back because the rule was being "abused," as some girls (including myself) were wearing khakis they deemed not formal enough. Yet they took away the tie requirement for the guys. Boys and girls, can we say "double standard?"
[!] Fred-- oh wait, I said this already.
[!] Most importantly, the way this is supposed to be "contemporary" worship when it's even more out of step with the times than the "old" worship was.
I just about retched over the JesusJesusJesus song today. It was fluff. Stupid, silly, insulting fluff. I think my Savior deserves a song that had more thought put into it than highlight ctrl-C ctrl-V.
On the other hand, in church the other day, we started singing "All Creatures of our God and King" which is based on a text by St. Francis of Assisi. I wonder why we can't do that-- oh yes, because it's old and non-contemporary? It's a gorgeous song. I usually hate hymns, and I loved it.
On the third hand I had stuffed up my sleeve, I see no reason why we can't use secular songs as well. The song that describes my faith best is U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." Beyond that, even something like Jars of Clay or Third Day or people like that would be such a great change from Jesus Times Infinity And Oh, By The Way, Hallelujah and Stuff.
I'm seriously considering writing Fred an e-mail addressing this. This isn't just me, this is the entire student body that's dissatisfied with these changes. This can't go on much longer, because my sanity is beginning to wear thin after going through this every ever-loving week.
# posted by Liadan @ 2:30 PM 
